Once you hit .08, you’re past the point of being able to operate a vehicle and also well on your way to completely forgetting you ever read this. People go to bars for all types of different reasons, but none of them generally involve having their night ruined by someone else.
1.) Always Tip At Least 20% With $1 Minimum
I don’t care if you’re buying merely a $3 beer, you’re tipping $1 (33%). Seems steep, but it is a small investment to making the bartenders take note. You’re going to be the guy that tips well and that goes a long way in getting better pours, getting help with the ladies, etc. And you can always run a tab if you plan on buying multiple drinks so you don’t tip $1 for every single purchase. That said, tipping $0.50 on a beer just makes you look like a cheapskate, so lay down some green paper and make it look like you appreciate them.
2.) Don’t Request Your Pour
The bartender isn’t just going to increase the amount of liquor he/she adds to your Crown and Coke because you said “make it a good one”. In fact, they’re probably going to decrease to spite you. Want to make bartenders pander to your drinking habits with greater pours, provide them with greater tips. Easy as referring to rule number 1.
3.) Cool Your Jets
There’s a lot going on behind the bar and keeping track of 40 people rushing to the bar asking for drinks is pretty intense. I get it, you know you’ve been at the bar 2 minutes before the guy that just ordered, but trying to provide order to a bar where lines don’t seem to ever get established is impossible so just cool your jets and be patient. Want to get seen faster, refer to rule 1.
4.) Have Multiple Home Base Bars
One of the major plays to making friends and getting in good with bartenders is to have a home bar, that one location you pregame at or stop by routinely. You know, a Cheers type place where “everybody knows your name”. Cue all of you singing the theme song in your head. It is a good idea though to expand your horizons a bit and find a handful of places so you can be a regular on multiple different evenings at multiple different places without looking like a complete alcoholic.
5.) Drink Lightly if You Want to Get Laid
For one thing, nobody is getting laid with whiskey dick and secondly, a little liquid courage can be helpful, but too much will have you slurring words and acting like a fucking fool. You want to be smooth and confident and able to remember what happened.
6.) Don’t Break the Seal Too Early
When you got to piss, you got to piss, but just hold off or slow your drinking down. The second you bust your balls out over a urinal and let leak your lizard, you’ll be spending more time in the restroom than you will be socializing. It’s a delicate balance of drinking just enough to feel good but not so much that your bladder overloads in the first hour.
7.) The Bartender Isn’t Beneath You
In fact, he very well could make more than you. I’m an engineer by day, blogger by night, and weekend bartender. Bartending is a sweet ass gig that works well as a part-time job with flexible hours and while you’re spending money trying to get girls numbers, I’m making sweet, sweet tips…and doing the same.
8.) Drink Your Demographic
If you can’t afford a night of drinking at a yuppie, high-end establishment, then go to a bar you can afford. On a practical sense, you’ll get more for your money, but it also means you’ll meet people of the same lifestyle you enjoy. Do you really want to buying the hot blonde $20 cocktails only for her to realize you drive a Ford Focus and live in a 800 sq foot apartment with 2 other broskis.
9.) Stop Giving a Fuck What People See You Drink
So you’re not a big fan of beer? Who fucking cares. So your beer comes in a tulip shaped glass? Drink it like the man you know you are. If you’re so insecure to worry about what you’re drinking, what other people think of your choice of beverage is the least of your worries.
10.) Just Know What the Fuck You’re Drinking Before You Come Up
People are waiting, the bartenders are busy, and nobody wants to deal with your indecisive ass for 5 minutes while you pick between a Corona or a Budweiser. Worst of all, if the bar is busy, have an idea of what type of shot you want and know exactly what’s in it before you order.
What other rules can you think of? Feel free to comment and keep the list going!
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