There comes a point in our bro’ lives where we exchange our shitty little dorm rooms for a shitty little cubicle. Listen, daddy’s connections didn’t get you this position for you to fuck it up! You probably could have made 3x more money in your first year removing tampons from sewer lines, but if you stand up from the tiny four-walled prison you will refer to as “your office” at happy hour you can see the corner office you’ve got your sights set on that’ll make your six-figure MBA a justifiable investment.
No One Gives a Shit About Where You Went to College
If you want to advertise your alumni credentials, wear it on a sweatshirt like everyone else. Every person in the cubicle around you graduated from a decent university…and none of them are going to be able to use their resumes to get them out of that cubicle and into the corner office. Getting wasted at the bar with management will though.
Social Skills > Grade Point Average
Here’s the thing, unless you’re an uber nerd that launches his own company that gets his name published on the Forbes 100 list, your ability to move up on the career ladder is going to have more to do with your social skills than how well you did in school. In fact, your resume is merely an opportunity ticket to get you in the door. Not being completely socially awkward is the key and it continues to be the key. It’s what gets you invited to company outings, its what makes you popular around the workplace with the people that write your recommendations, and its the difference between the guy who is really intelligent in a stagnant position and the guy who just knows how to make friends that puts him on the fast track to an engraved desk nameplate.
Don’t Toss that Vape Out Just Yet
Or actually do if it makes you look like you have a gigantic dick in your mouth. Does the guy in the corner office escape across the street every hour to suck in some lung cancer? This jobs going to fucking kill you anyway, so might as well risk popcorn lung getting some extra one on one time to shoot the shit with the guy your intent on replacing.
You’re Not Too Good for Any Task
Asked to grab water? Go grab the damn water. Just don’t fuck it up!
Be Enthused, but Not Excited
Chill on the overly enthusiastic responses to every demand given to you. If you want to suck your up the company ladder, you don’t do so by giving your emails an exclamation point hard on – i.e. “No problem!!!!!!!!!!” You’re not fooling anyone that you’d rather be downing Blue Moon’s than pushing papers, so relax on trying to act like you’re turned on at the “stack of job security” each time someone sets more work on your desk.
Don’t Be a Lightweight Drinker
Inside every Vice President of Marketing is a little frat boy that never really disappears. Like you, he spent 4 years of his life in salmon shorts and collared shirts at fraternity parties getting absolutely shit face wasted. The bottom drawer of his desk isn’t filled with button-down Brionis only for spilled morning coffee, but you won’t hear all the stories he has to tell unless you’re out making crazy stories after hours with him.
Get Yourself a Bottom Drawer of Clothing Essentials, Too
Smart for the anticipated brown coffee stain, but clever for the time you wake up at a random girl’s house with a wrinkled dress shirt that smells like Dior perfume and whiskey…30 minutes before your 9 o’clock morning meeting. Roll up an extra tie, an extra set of socks, and include some travel-sized hygiene products to make sure you can still look presentable after a late-night binge. I’m convinced a suitcase is as much for legitimate business purposes as it is a convenient way to bring items back home as a result of not making it home at all the night before.
Invest In Your Shoes
For as much sitting on your ass as you’ll do, you’ll also do a fair amount of walking and standing around the water cooler. You want a pair of shoes that are comfortable and look good – you can tell a lot about how a man presents himself with his shoes. Keep them shined and looking clean and get a nice pair of Yuppie Socks to compliment them and give your business casual outfit some classy personality.
You Need At Least 3 Different Suits
None of them should be black and all of them should fucking fit right! Keep it simple, grey, dark grey, and navy blue. Did I mention they should fit right? You want to move up in the company, you got to look good! We’re a shallow society. You want to look better on Tinder, spice up your profile. You want to look better in the office, invest in your appearance. A well-fitted suit will demand power and attention but don’t go for a power suit with a dark red tie. Keep it conservative, keep it casual, and don’t’ pair it with a “humorous” patterned tie.
Speaking of ties…
Learn how to fucking tie one. No clip-on! If you can search on Google how to remove that virus you got from a sketchy porn site, you can search up how to tie an acceptable half-Windsor knot.
Make Sure Your Boss Sets the Pace for the Evening
It’s a Thursday night and you’re out with the sales department with flashbacks of stumbling around Court Avenue in your senior year of college but hold your horses on getting cray-cray and make sure your boss is setting the pace for the evening. If he feels like taking everyone out to throw Washingtons at strippers, by all means, hit the ATM machine, but just make sure you’re at tomorrow’s mandatory team meeting.
Toxic Masculinity is Stupid
Female colleagues are going to do great things, they’re going to compete with you for positions, they’re going to be better than you in some ways…deal with it. It’s the 21st century, your masculinity isn’t a free ticket to getting what you want. Compete for it like everyone else with or without a vagina.
Water Cooler Talk Is Important As Fuck
Get your work done, stay after hours if you have to, just don’t sacrifice missing out on what happens at the water cooler by resorting to being a hermit in your cubicle all day. People promote likable people who are in the know. You’re never going to get in the know if you think work ethic alone is all it takes.
Your Boss Knows Your Salary, So Put Your Wallet Away
Buying him lunch, buying his drinks, or coffee on you in the morning isn’t impressing anyone. He knows you can’t afford it…
Have a Selection of Tasks to Keep You Busy Without Asking
Asking what you can do when you run out of work is okay, but not each time you run out of work. Ask your superior what you can work on once your work is finished, but see if you get a list of options and work through those so that you don’t have to bother them each and every time you find yourself finishing a task.
Don’t Be Afraid to Challenge Authority…Respectfully
Nobody likes the guy that just appeases to suck up to authority. Want to move up and get respect? Take a risk with an idea, challenge the norm to introduce something that could be beneficial, and act like you know you have good ideas! Expect that not every idea you have is worth using, but express them like you know they’re worth sharing and capable of being used.
Pick Your Battles, Though
If people aren’t accepting your ideas, leave it at that. Even if you genuinely believe what you have to offer is 100% better, no one likes anyone that can’t work as a team and back off when necessary. They’ll be more opportunities to share your ideas so let it go and focus on working with the idea that is chosen. Someday you’ll be making the decisions anyways…amirite, bro?
Hopefully, using these tips will result in carrying your box of personal belongings across the room rather than back down the elevator to your shitty apartment!
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