3 Reasons to Fuck Your Birthday “Month”

In elementary school, I remember some kids making such a big deal about half birthdays. I thought it was kind of stupid, but we were kids! Then I realized as an adult, some people make a big deal about their entire birthday month!

Listen, Jerry, you pretentious fuck.

We aren’t 12 anymore.

Your birthday is one day of the year.

You want the weekend before or after because no one wants to have a hangover from birthday shots on a Tuesday? Cool, we’ll give you that!

You know what, I’ll even reason with you to pick any single day of the month to celebrate your birthday. We’re adults and we have kids and schedules to work around and you’re damn right you deserve a night out for your birthday – but an entire month? Meh…

Here’s the thing.

1.) We can’t afford an entire month of you milking your birthday celebration. If your birthday is on the 5th, I’ll buy you a beer on the 5th. Maybe if I’m feeling extra generous on the upcoming Saturday we can hit the town and we’ll all split your steak bill…but you’re on your own on 25th of the month, so don’t go pulling “but it’s my birthday this month” on me.

2.) There are other things to celebrate during the month that outweigh your birthday 14 days ago…like Joe’s promotion, anybody else we know that has a birthday in the same month as you, or literally any other thing worth celebrating. You had your weekend already and we’re not going to dilute everyone else’s special occasion just so your narcissism can take a nip into remaining the center of attention.

3.) There’s still work to do! You don’t just call in Monday morning because you “celebrated your upcoming birthday” over the weekend and you want to extend your recovery. There’s 840,000 other people born the same hour as you and they might just want your job. Oh, and all of your coworkers have birthday, too and they’re tired of picking up the slack because you feel like taking it easy in August.

if you get a whole birthday month, jesus can get 2
And you sure as hell don’t deserve a birthday month if you complain about Christmas music before November.

Are you one of those people that make a big deal for your birthday the entire month of your it? Convince me otherwise…

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Hi, I spewed out all the shit you just read! I like long walks on the beach (but I'm mostly surrounded by cornfields), challenging the status quo of the dating scene, fucking all the rules of dating and encouraging men to live their best life. When I'm not trying to keep the lights on around here and raise two little girls, you can find me drinking and partying - you know the key Wallstreet success...ballin'.

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