Bachelor Party Checklist – 2020

Your best friend is just weeks months away from having his ball sack firmly in the grasp of the woman taking his last name – and I don’t mean that sexually. As if splitting your buddy’s attention with this girl from the moment they met, now he’s decided to just lock in this arrangement for life. And you’re happy for him…which calls for a celebration.

You’ve got to plan the best night of your best friend’s life (second to his wedding night…obviously) with the greatest bachelor party you can put together. Listen, I understand its an emotional time with your bromance turmoil watching a woman come down the aisle to replace Saturdays for the boys with weekend honey-do lists, so you’ve got a lot going on.

Maybe a checklist might help to make sure you’ve got everything covered.

For The Best Man

As the best man (and assumed best friend) the success of this party rests in your hands. You’ve got a lot on your plate, so you best get crossing items off this list now.

  • Collaborate with the groom on when to hold the bachelor party.
    • Not cool if you plan it for a weekend he can’t even attend.
  • Discuss with the groom on some general ideas on what to do.
    • And what not to do. If he hates gambling, maybe avoid a casino. Even in Vegas there other things to do.
    • Also, keep in mind your buddy’s moral compass – it might be stronger than ours, but he’s your best friend so you know.
  • Talk to the groom about the guest list.
    • You don’t want anyone there to be a total buzzkill.
  • Get that Mantastic Bachelor Party group chat started.
    • Share inappropriate memes occasionally – we have a vibe to set.
  • Work on a budget for the trip comfortable for those coming.
    • You can’t make everyone happy, but if only two people can afford your ideas, it might be time to rethink those ideas.
    • Consider pooling funds together from equal contributions and using that toward major purchases, including covering the groom.
  • Hassle the shit out of everyone to book their tickets and take time off.
    • Cause as much as everyone is looking forward to this, your friends are lazy fucks that won’t book their flight unless you remind them 50 times.
  • Book accommodations well in advance – because you’re not lazy.
    • Not cool if you’re 2 weeks out and rooms are booked because a Cosplay Event came to town.
  • Reserve the party bus or have a plan for transportation.
    • You’re going to have 10 drunken guys wanting to go from bar to bar, that’s not something you play by ear.
  • Make reservations at any clubs, restaurants, or events.
    • Even if they say reservations are not required, call and let them know. They might just have a group discount or specials for the groom.
  • Read reviews and then read more reviews.
    • Preferably before you’ve made any commitments.
    • It’s one thing to hire a shitty tweaked out dancer for $200…
      • … it’s worse when it’s your friend’s money.
    • Even worse if you get scammed.
  • Buy the keg, booze, and cigars…or Juuls.
  • If you’re single, stock up on condoms.
    • You don’t want an itchy dick screwing up your chances of getting laid at the reception with your buddy’s wife’s hot single sister.
bachelor party condoms
You should probably buy some of these.

For the Groomsmen

Groomsmen have pretty easy responsibility. You show up, you have a good time just like any other night, except you’re going to be spending a little more money doing cool different stuff you normally wouldn’t do on guy’s night. That means, don’t try to up the ante by buying ecstasy and ensure help keep the groom out of jail.

  • Communicate promptly and RSVP as soon as possible.
    • Don’t leave the party planner hanging with the information they need to do the party planning.
  • Provide honest feedback about your preferences and ideas.
    • You don’t get to complain if you didn’t even give your input.
  • How about just don’t complain regardless.
    • Don’t ruin everyone’s fun because you want to be a douchebag.
  • Help offset expenses as best you can for the groom.
    • This is going to be as awesome as it is for you as it will be for the groom…just don’t be a total moocher, bro.
  • Buy the groom a drink…and maybe a private dance!
    • I know, I know you already chipped in a bunch but come on, don’t be that guy.
  • Don’t discuss the downers in your life.
    • No one wants to hear your divorce woes when you’re celebrating your friend’s upcoming wedding.
    • Not cool to be the guy that causes the groom to get cold feet.
  • There’s a line in the evening where pictures are no longer allowed.
    • Of course, you’re drunk and hindsight is 20/20 so delete those pictures or lock them up forever.
  • If you’re single, remember condoms are tax-deductible.
    • You really don’t need to impregnate that random chick from the bachelorette party.

For the Groom

Your job is fairly simple: have a good time…and don’t cheat on your soon to be wife. You really don’t want to be having to read tips on improving your Tinder profile all over again. So…

  • Have as much integrity for your fiance as you would any other night.
    • If you wouldn’t want your fiance to do it, don’t do it.
  • What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, only if Jimmy keeps his mouth shut.
    • Jimmy never keeps his mouth shut.
    • Jimmy’s girlfriend sometimes steals his phone.
    • Jimmy sometimes forgets to delete photos despite us reminding him to.
  • Just don’t do anything that’s going to cost you the marriage you haven’t had yet.
    • (Pssst – it has already been paid for.)
  • Speaking of paid for, don’t be an entitled little fucker.
    • Be appreciative, but don’t expect every little thing to be paid for.

For Guys Not Attending

Don’t be a Debbie downer because all your friends are having a good time and you can’t go for whatever reasons. Be supported, consider still chipping in for the groom’s enjoyment, and focus on how you can shine as the life of the party at the reception.

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Hi, I spewed out all the shit you just read! I like long walks on the beach (but I'm mostly surrounded by cornfields), challenging the status quo of the dating scene, fucking all the rules of dating and encouraging men to live their best life. When I'm not trying to keep the lights on around here and raise two little girls, you can find me drinking and partying - you know the key Wallstreet success...ballin'.

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