“Choke Me” She Said – Why I’m No Longer Too Nice In Bed

Please Note: Consent is of most importance when involving any aspect of sex and relationships. Assertiveness and dominance should only be performed with respect to the other party in any relationship. My personal experiences have led me to meet an overwhelming number of women that find such traits attractive during sex; however, all people are different and you should be sure not to overstep the boundaries of your sexual partners. Furthermore, any use of the term aggression is meant in a masculine, assertive, dominant, or more firm nature and does not equate to being physically abusive.

In the past two years, I have gone from being insecure in my relationship with my now ex-wife to nearly a sense of arrogance over the number of women I’ve been with. I’ve gone from feeling like I’d forever be alone to nutting on a woman’s face, tossing her a towel, and leaving her in bed naked yelling “where are you going?” and never hearing from me again.

You would think that would be enough to cause a woman to be disgusted and yet I woke up the next morning to so many messages alternating between how badly she wanted to see me again and absolute anger that I was ignoring her (I was asleep) that I decided the red flags weren’t even worth a response.

And that’s why I am no longer overly sensual to women. I fuck the shit out of them.

I respect them and treat them well, but I absolutely shove their heads into the pillow when their face is down and their ass is up.

It’s like a switch flips in their brain.

And you might think maybe that’s just this one girl I was with, but my anecdotal evidence suggests that if you want to keep a woman invested in you and coming back for more, how you handle yourself (or herself rather) in the bedroom plays a key role.

My plan with her was to just leave her on ‘read’ and block her stage 5 clinger ass on everything. And then something she wrote struck me: “I like that you’re genuinely a good guy, but that you fuck me like we’re toxic.”

Although I had sort of figured it out without even realizing it, for some reason those words sort of clicked in my head. That was the missing component in so many of my prior relationships right after my divorce. Suddenly there was a light bulb moment where I started to understand that to a certain degree that was why I was divorced (among other reasons), but ultimately that for a period of time even after I was becoming more masculine and confident out in public, I was still lacking a certain trait in the bedroom that was failing to really hook women in.

Let’s take a step back though.

I met my ex-wife in high school and we were together for 14 years. We were virgins to each other – d’aww. When we divorced, I thought it was the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to me. Depressed and arguably questioning the value of my life, I was certain I’d never find love again. Turns out, that was the defining break up I needed. It was sort of incredible how confident I was able to become once I picked myself up and allowed myself to be selfish for once.

I learned I’m a high-value man in a world of desperate, single women in their 30s.

This is an entirely new mindset than I’ve ever had before. Listen, I want to get married again and find a forever love that’ll wipe my ass, make me sandwiches, and still suck my dick at 75 years old, but I have a whole new perspective on dating from a point of confidence. I’m not going to marry the person I can, I’m going to marry the person I want. It’s an incredibly liberating feeling that I’m in a position for women to reach to be with me rather than the other way around.

I mean, I still punch above my weight class on occasion from a long term relationship standpoint, as some of the real stunners know their worth is still someone above my current socioeconomic status. That said, I’m secure in my options though and that’s really very new to me relative to my age and where I was at mentally not long ago. I never really transitioned out of being a quintessential “niceguy” when I met my ex-wife in high school because nothing ever happened to me that pushed me to require it. I wouldn’t say I was a white knight, but I was just the guy that consistently heard “you’re amazing” but never actually “got it in” with anybody telling me how amazing I was. When the first girl that showed interest in me came along, I clung to that out of desperation. I was oblivious to how I was being used and too insecure to kick her to the curb when I should have early on.

Her infidelity was inexcusable, but ultimately, she was looking elsewhere for the same reasons I would continue losing women early on my dating life post-divorce. I was “making love” to my ex-wife while other guys were fucking her.

I wasn’t doing anything in the bedroom that made her feel like she was powerless against me. Sure, hopeless romantic shit is cool for Valentine’s Day and my ex-wife appreciated soft, romantic sessions of coitus, but I never really tapped into the circuits that made her feel submissive to me in the bedroom – and that would make its way outside the bedroom where she would disrespect me by fucking other guys that tapped into those emotions of her wanting to feel overpowered. I think in that feeling of being overpowered in the bedroom, she was able to make the idea of being protected outside of it tangible.

Once I realized I actually was a high-value male and started getting numerous Tinder matches, I quickly found myself in bed with my first rebound. I remember she looked at me and said “do whatever the fuck you want to me”.

And it kind of blew my mind.

I mean, I didn’t think a whole lot of it in that moment, but I remember the next morning I woke up beside her for breakfast she said: “last night was fun, but you don’t have to be so gentle”.

I ended up breaking up with her because women started DMing me. That’s unheard of right?!

And yet, there I was accepting friend requests and DMs from women. I started sort reconsidering if I was settling into the rebound when clearly I was capable of pulling other women and potentially casually dating multiple at the same time. Let me tell you, rejecting a woman is an incredibly powerful moment also.

The next girl I dated was incredibly gorgeous and we hit it off like crazy. But I remember one night as we had had sex, she looked at me and whispered “choke me”. I was absolutely taken aback. This girl was gorgeous – like model fucking gorgeous. The type that you think will just lay there while you hump and she’s literally asking me to treat her like she’s a cum slut.

I couldn’t wrap my head around that.

And that’s why we fizzled out. She genuinely liked me. For fuck sake, she didn’t even friendzone me. I was literally there with my penis inside her. She appreciated me, she loved how I treated her, but my reservations in the bedroom put me in the “too nice” category that failed to make that sexual spark she needed to keep it going.

We would never have sex again.

I lost an incredibly gorgeous girlfriend because I was too nice to be dominant to her in bed. I wanted to. I had seen the guys do it in porn. She obviously was turned on by it. The idea of it turned me on.

And yet, I struggled.

I just couldn’t bring myself to see it as anything other than disrespectful. I would put my hand up to her neck and then she would grab my hand with her own and squeeze to coax more from me. There was like a mental block preventing me from squeezing my fingers around her throat. I didn’t want to hurt her and of course, she didn’t actually want me to physically hurt her, either. From that perspective, I was a good candidate to respectfully practice breath play with her, but I couldn’t actually bring myself to doing so – at least with the extremity in which she requested. I remember one of the last times we had sex, she looked at me and she said: “why do you have to be so nice to me?”.

I would end up going through a series of hookups and one night stands before I’d once again find myself in bed with this petite brunette that I was interested in dating. I had heard a story a few times about how she had wanted a guy to put her in handcuffs in high school and he ended up leaving her locked up to a bedpost butt naked. I guess in my head, without even realizing it, I had this mindset that she had been treated like shit in the past and that what she needed was someone to show her what it’s like to be treated with decency. I was the quintessential “niceguy” in that regard, believing myself to be superior in my respect of her in the bedroom in comparison to other guys and that she just didn’t know what it was like to be treated decently. I literally had my penis inside her vagina when she looked at me and said “you’re just so nice”.

And we fizzled out, too.

My next girlfriend after her dated me for quite a while. She was like 5′-2″, 100 pounds and super innocent and cute. I actually broke up with her because I wasn’t really into having 5 kids between us, but on one occasion we were talking and she said: “so, I like to get a little freaky and I never really realized I liked getting my ass spanked until I hooked up with a guy and he did it without asking”.

Eventually, the gears would finally start rolling and I began to piece the missing link in. Women were literally spelling it out for me.

It had nothing to do with my penis size. Nothing to do with my oral skills. Nothing to do with how I looked. Nothing to do with my personality at all. Nothing to do with my income.

Finally, I was able to read between the lines. It wasn’t that I was bad at sex, I was just too inadvertently submissive. I required “too much” consent and not enough proactiveness about it.

High-value, attractive women can have it all. They weren’t settling when they dated me. They weren’t settling when they decided to hop into bed with me. But I was failing to assert my dominance in the bedroom and that was a settling aspect to the relationship for them.

What these women wanted was income, personality, looks, and a good fuck. This is why 50 Shades of Grey, 365 Days, and similar entertainmrnt have such mainstream media appeal for women.

Eventually, I would start to slowly become a little more aggressive. I’d end up hooking up with some mature people that communicated and taught me things.

What I found that helped me get there was to gradually push myself to be more firm with my hands. I began by just grabbing ass with a little more intensity and eventually, one day I just took a slap…and that bitch loved it!

I can’t say for certain all girls are going to appreciate having their hair pulled, a good spank, or feeling your hands around their neck (consent is important), but from my personal experience over the last couple of years and multiple “entanglements”, to quote Tenacious D, “you don’t always have to fuck her hard, sometimes that’s just not right to do, sometimes you got to make some love and give her some fucking smooches to”

…but the vast majority of the time you should fuck her brains out and assert your masculine dominance in the bedroom.

But how do you get to that point? It was a process!

I Had To Get Comfortable Being Assertive In Bed

First, a quick reminder that assertive doesn’t mean forgetting boundaries and respect. That important note out of the way, being dominate required taking it upon myself to understand that it was okay for me to position my partners body where I wanted it and not always ask for permission every time we switched positions. It was like I had taken the concept of consent overboard. I already had permission to have sex and I knew I respected the word “no”. There was nothing wrong with me being proactive about enjoying her body instead of me always reacting to how she wanted to be enjoyed. Interestingly enough, a woman’s enjoyment with me was often rooted to what I wanted to do with her and not the other way around.

Comfort about being forward in my interactions with a girl I’m sleeping with was the stepping stone to respectfully presenting myself with dominance. At a basic level in the bedroom, this was as simple as making an effort to spontaneously change positions without necessarily asking her. Of course, I was aware of body language, but the first time I grabbed a girl’s wrists and placed them above her head in missionary position while she exclaimed “oh fuck” was where it started to click that she wanted me to be pleasured by her in a dominate way.

Women, in my experience that I’ve been with, have found this sort of dominance incredibly hot.

I Started Off Gentle, But Intentional

Jumping from being “nice” in bed to pressing a woman’s cheek into the mattress while doggy style was a pretty big jump. I had to be intentional in getting to that point, but that required me to start off gently. My first foray into the world of dominance in the bedroom was rather forced.
This is why when I was asked to “choke me” with one of my initial sexual partners I froze up. I hadn’t generated any confidence in experiences leading up to that. I was able to bring myself to placing my hand upon her neck and that was an important step with positive reception, but I needed to have that positive reception occur multiple times before I could find myself in the mindset of “this isn’t a disrespectful action”.

Once I was comfortable being assertive, I needed to be intentional with dominant actions. Rather than just grabbing a chunk of hair, initially I just worked to slide my hands through a partner’s hair. I made an intention to move my arms around, explore her body, and slowly transitioned those movements from gentle caresses to more firm actions with lighter grabs.

To get comfortable with pulling on a girl’s hair (if she’s into that) I first got comfortable making fists while I brushed my hand through her hair. Eventually, I incidentally grabbed a few strands and upon gauging a positive reception my actions became more confident. Suddenly, I was clutching her pony tail firmly in my fist and pulling her head back.

And to get comfortable with spanking a woman in bed, I would work my way toward it by again intentionally moving my hands to their ass, grabbing it firmly and then slowly upping the aggression from firm grabs to light spanks. With each action I was able to both gauge the response and increase my confidence in taking the next step.

I Used the Illusion of Aggression More Than Being Physical

My dominance in the bedroom isn’t disrespectful because ultimately I’m always respecting her and communicating (verbally and non-verbally). It’s why I tend to take these baby-step actions with every woman I’m with become just as I was not always comfortable being dominate, similarly not every woman wants to be spanked or have her hair pulled.

What I’ve often found as I’ve increased my number of sexual partners is that often really all women wanted is the illusion of submission. Reaching that point is my balance of being dominate without causing the pain I have trouble wrapping my brain around. Often, the action of resting a palm on a neck and beginning to cup it without the actual intent of lessening air flow is all it takes to appease her fantasy.

As I’ve worked to get comfortable with various dominate aspects in the bedroom, what I’ve also found is that I’m able to meet the masculine demands many of the women I’ve been with seek while retaining my genuinely respectful and hopeless romantic outside of the bedroom that keeps the relationship healthy.

Instead of losing women because I’m too nice in bed, now I’m getting texts like this:

And so should you.

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Hi, I spewed out all the shit you just read! I like long walks on the beach (but I'm mostly surrounded by cornfields), challenging the status quo of the dating scene, fucking all the rules of dating and encouraging men to live their best life. When I'm not trying to keep the lights on around here and raise two little girls, you can find me drinking and partying - you know the key Wallstreet success...ballin'.

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