Ear Wax Doesn’t Test For STDs

A few days ago, I was in a poverty-stricken neighborhood volunteering to make sandwiches for the local food bank. You can go ahead and give me a pat on the back for being a good human, but the fact it was a low-income neighborhood plays a roll in the story.

About 10 minutes into slapping cheese onto a hoagie bun, the employee across from me who hadn’t said a word to me just randomly blurts:

“Do you wanna know an easy way to tell if a girl is burning?”

Easily the weirdest introduction I’ve had in my life. Like, I don’t know, but I feel we should be on a first-name basis at the very least for what I was about to learn.

First, I would learn that when a girl is “burning” that it was a euphemism for her vagina was sizzling with infections. And the conversation spiraled down from there.

I think he spent a good half hour explaining to me that his uncle had informed him that if you stuck ear wax into a vagina and the girl felt pain, it was an indicator she had a sexually transmitted disease. If it weren’t for the fact he had tried it himself, he would have thought it was a hoax, but he assured me he had been with two girls at the same time and the one that said “ouch” did, in fact, end up having an STD.

I sent off an email to the lady that leads their weekly free health clinic, explaining that “it should come as no surprise that sex education is so lacking in low-income areas when their own employees are spreading sex misinformation”.

I didn’t actually think his story had any traction as an actual belief in society, but sure enough, a quick google search led me to learn that this little “ear wax” rumor was actually pretty prevalent! And then upon posting this, I learned people were actually commonly searching “can ear wax determine if a woman has an std?” into Google. Shit, that might be the very search term that brought you to this page…

So, if not for your own education, than for your entertainment:

Does earwax test for STDs?

No. Hell no!

I’m not even sure how something like this even gets started. I mean, what guy in his right mind just decides to pick some ear wax out of his ear canal and shove into a girl’s vagina? Furthermore, how does that turn into substantiating the idea that it somehow tests for vaginal infections and sexually transmitted diseases?

I would be more concerned about getting an infection just by being with the type of girl that still spreads her legs when you mention the idea of involving earwax in your foreplay.

I guess, (so I’m told) the idea behind this rumor is that ear wax builds up in the ear canal to fight off infections and because that [supposedly] causes ear pain, that must also mean that an infection in the vagina would also cause pain when ear wax was introduced inside. There’s so much wrong with that idea, I’m not even going to break it down. You cannot just stick ear wax on a finger, stick it in the pussy and see if a girl has pain.

If your girl is just totally cool with the idea of sticking an ear wax-covered thumb up her, that alone might be the first clue you’re dealing with a questionable lay.

So wrap your little 2″ speed stick up, bro!

Oh, and while we’re at it, how about a reminder on another rumor that double bagging the purple-headed sperm puker doesn’t actually double the prevention of pregnancy.

Double Wrapping Actually Decreases Protection

The idea here is that if one condom provides one layer of protection, then two condoms must double the protection. Nope!

In fact, you actually substantially increase the risk of pregnancy. The increased friction between the rubbers increases the likelihood of a tear! Wear one condom at a time, remove the condom while the penis is still erect and outside of the vagina.

Oh, and always be sure to replace a condom each time you transition from one orifice to the next…for those insanely awesome nights.

Our friends at OneCondoms.com can make sure you have your condom supply full for whatever awesomeness awaits your boner.

We even have a cool trick that saves you even more money on your condoms!

So go forth and share the information, bro. What other crazy sex myths have you heard? Share in the comments. And be sure to share this information for all your potentially uninformed friends.