Women don’t want to be hurt. No one goes through life hoping they get themselves into a toxic relationship.Says no fedora wearing, “m’Lady” saying “niceguy” ever.
To be fair, I don’t think all neckbeards are “niceguys”, but the white knight persona they play is often at odds with their self-importance.
You know the type.
Not all of them fit the stereotype of claiming to be a protector of women one moment and calling out “women’s stupidity” for finding their social ineptness offputting the next. Yet, they that think they’re just “too nice” for women.
So, let’s set the record straight.
Dear Neckbeards & other “Niceguys”,
You’re a “Niceguy” because:
- You’re a liar, Mr. “Let’s just be friends. But you’re hot and actually I want to date you”.
- You’re passive-aggressive, Mr. “I don’t want to tell you why I’m upset. So I’ll stew in silence until you sense displeasure”.
- You’re entitled, Mr. “I held the door for you. Give me your number!”
- You’re degrading, Mr. “Oh, you’re not interested? You’re ugly anyway.”
- You’re manipulative, Mr. “I’m sorry I made you feel that way. But you should feel really guilty for making me feel that way”.
- You’re egotistical, Mr. “You don’t date guys like me? You must just like being treated like shit”.
Women Don’t Want Your Criticism
Stop beating yourself up and more importantly stop the guilt-tripping when a woman isn’t interested in you. A woman’s choice in men is their own decision just like we’re not going to judge your hentai midget fetish. There’s worse stuff out there for you to get hard from, so you do you, bro. You might look at a beautiful woman and wonder why she is dating a bartender making a minimum wage.
Keep that in mind if you get a girlfriend and her friends think she could do so much better than you. And you know, men have reasons we are attracted to certain women that other guys can’t figure out.
(Hint: We can put up with a lot of crazy for insanely awesome sex.)
I see guys all the time commenting “we’re not all bad!” when some girl proclaims “my ex is an asshole”.
“Give us good guys a chance”, “Niceguys” comment on Facebook.
Yet, I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed a girl challenging guys on their choice in crazy, red-headed hairstylists when guys spout off about all women being “cray-cray”.
Yes, I stereotyped red-headed hairstylists as crazy.*
*(It was self-proclaimed to me by a red-head stylist that worked at Sports Clips. /Source)
Her Memes Might Call Him An Asshole, But…
Regardless of how she feels in hindsight, none of the reasons a girl ever felt attracted to a guy included the belief he would hurt her emotionally or physically. In fact, he probably seemed just as nice at first as the guy suggesting she should “give us good guys a chance” claimed to be.
Girls that stay in abusive relationships are struggling with trauma bonding.
No girl is waking up every morning thinking “I can’t wait until he calls me a fat bitch today!” Trauma bonding is outside the scope of this post, but the idea women want to be hurt and avoid boyfriends that are too nice is a stretch.
So Why Are Women Avoiding A “Nice Guy” Like You?
If you’re one of those guys that think girls don’t like you because you’re nice, let’s get your facts straight – being nice isn’t what they’re not attracted to. Maybe they have someone else in mind, maybe they’re just not physically attracted to you, maybe your hygiene sucks, or maybe you share nothing in common.
Or perhaps, they just need a break from dating and think (from their experiences) the second you pick up on a hint of strictly platonic interest, you’re coming at them with a raging boner of kindness overkill and it is all just way, way too much.
Case In Point:
Personality Is Just One Aspect Of Attraction
You can’t just use being nice as a definitive reason for dating or hooking up with someone. Using it as a crutch for attracting someone suggests that being nice shouldn’t just be a default personality. You aren’t unique because you’re nice – there are lots of nice people out there. Focusing on presenting yourself as nice being key to your value in dating is like advertising a car with wheels.
Everyone wants a car with wheels.
Some people just don’t realize the wheels will fall off three months down the road. And they become convinced they can just replace the wheels until they stay on or that it’s their driving causing the problems.
Women choose guys that are attractive to them just as guys go after women that are attractive to us.
There has to be mutual attraction though, so maybe, God forbid I suggest there are leagues but…neckbeards might be swinging outside of theirs – and then fixating on themselves on that one girl. And if you firmly believe looks shouldn’t matter, why do you get so butt hurt when the girl that works out every waking hour ignores you when surely someone that doesn’t fit the conventional standards of beauty would be so much more approachable?
Attractiveness has many aspects, but wanting to be physically attracted to your significant other is pretty damn important. Stop expecting people to settle for someone they aren’t physically attracted to merely because someday we’ll all be wrinkly with turkey necks.
Sure, we all get old and ugly someday…
…but that day isn’t today!
Why Do “NiceGuys” Cling to the Idea Women Want to Be Hurt?
The most outspoken reviewers are those with bad reviews to give. You just don’t hear the women who are in happy relationships speaking up about how great they have it as often because they have it pretty great. If women who are being treated shitty are the most vocal, it skews reality to women choosing “douchebags” as a general rule of thumb.
People love to fill in the blanks without painting ourselves as flawed. There’s hardly a better narrative for a guy that believes he will be forever alone than to generalize that women must just not love nice men and ignore all the other reasons that it could be.
For an insecure “Niceguy” desperate for love, the girl who has been hurt comes off as easy pickings with the hope she’ll overlook all the flaws that make him insecure if only he promises to treat her right. Of course, it isn’t that easy though because (again) personality is just one aspect of attraction.
“NiceGuys” Aren’t Willing To Accept That Though
Instead of facing reality that it could be any number of reasons a particular woman lacks interest in them, “Niceguys” stereotype every tattoo-covered, motorcycle riding, guitar playing, UFC fighting “bad boy” as being a red flag since clearly the exact opposite of that with their Dungeons and Dragons loving, fedora-wearing, neckbeard sporting, white knight personality is representative of cherishing women.
Interestingly, that stereotypically shy, socially inept personality tends to lead to them developing the same shitty personalities they claim to hate as a result of sexual frustration.
Some girls are going to like the guy with skulls and scary clown tattoos covering his body while he smokes Marlboro Reds like a “bad boy”.
Some girls are going to like the lawyer’s son with the salmon shorts and Sperry shoes who looks like a frat boy named “Chad”.
Some girls like the guy with a little scruff, a 6-pack of abs in every shirtless selfie on Instagram, and his haircut faded so perfectly up to a hard part there’s no denying he’s a “fuckboi”.
So if you’re just the “average Joe” that knows a lot about craft beer, make an average living sitting in a cubicle, play World of Warcraft all Saturday night, spend Sundays watching anime, and are holding onto the hope that the girl of your dreams likes a dad bod only to see her flirting around with a “Chad”, you’re going to question her choice in men out of jealousy.
Guess what, though.
Sometimes “Chad” is Jealous of You
When “Chad” pulls up in his new BMW and can’t figure out why a hot blonde won’t take his number because she is fascinated by the guy who seems loyal and really good with kids, he doesn’t see what she sees in you either.
Problem Is, Being Nice and Loyal Isn’t As Rare As You Think
Remember, the loudest reviewers are those with negative reviews seeking attention. Your mindset requires that women simply classify all “nerds” and “average Joes” as nice and all other men as abusive and mean.
Ironically, going from really charming to being absolutely suffocating, passive-aggressive, distrusting, and controlling are all common “Niceguy” traits. So you simply can’t take a look at a person and immediately classify body modifications, interests, hairstyles, or financial success as being certain red flags on how they’ll treat their significant other.
The guy covered in tattoos could be the most genuine guy ever and the seemingly normal “guy next door” could be the biggest prick on the planet. She has to choose the one that she feels a natural attraction to. Trying to force that is a recipe for disaster and regret.
At the very least, we should at least have enough insight to realize that her intentions of getting into the relationship weren’t to be emotionally torn to pieces…
…only for some “NiceGuy” to build her back up, right? *eyeroll*
So She Used the “NiceGuy”, Right? Right?
Suggesting that girls just like you between asshole boyfriends to refill their sense of validation and self-worth is merely taking a situation where a girl has been the victim of actual hurt and instead victimizing yourself.
You’re the one sliding into her inbox proactively seeking to lovebomb her with compliments, only to turn to around and victimize himself when she doesn’t respond receptively to those comments with a romantic interest. You aren’t a victim because your entire purpose for “building up her self-esteem” is a manipulatory tactic of love bombing your way into becoming her rebound while she is vulnerable.
Helping other people is just the right thing to do.
Genuinely nice people don’t use these manipulatory techniques and they don’t respond with aggression, hostility or degradation when facing rejection.
That said, there are manipulating people of both genders, so some women probably do use some guys they have no sexual interest in at times to up their confidence or fill their thirst for attention. I’m not promoting you shouldn’t set boundaries and I’d encourage you to avoid embracing the friendzone with those women. There are anomalies to any situation, but as a rule of thumb, the golden rule applies here. Treat others in the face of rejection as you would hope to be treated in rejecting someone.
Accept rejection because being nice doesn’t entitle you to anything more.
I Get It, It’s Tough Out There
I know it is easy to get into this mindset of frustration and anger, especially when we get into a particular rut where we can’t figure out what it is about ourselves that isn’t allowing us to connect romantically with someone. We start to feel sorry for ourselves and we try to justify other people’s lack of intimate interest in us as their problem instead of, you know, considering maybe it is our problem.
We say “I’m a nice guy, why wouldn’t they be interested in me?”.
Just because you did anything nice, helpful, or sacrificing toward any girl doesn’t mean she owes you anything.
Being Nice Doesn’t Entitle You To Anything
- She doesn’t owe you her phone number for accepting a free drink that you offered her.
- She doesn’t owe you sex because you offered her a place to stay until she sobers up.
- She doesn’t owe you dinner every night because she’s your wife.
- She doesn’t owe you a nude because you sent her a pick of your 2″ speed stick on Snapchat at 2 am. She didn’t want it to begin with.
No girl owes you anything for what you do for her.
Just because you’ve been friends with a girl for years, doesn’t automatically give you first dibs at an intimate relationship with her. Assuming she can like you as a lover because she liked you as a friend is unfairly expecting her to change what she views as a platonic relationship into something sexual. But that’s an easy jump for a “Niceguy” to make because they think in terms of sexual endeavors, stripping her of her identity as a friend – as a person – and making her a sexual object.
Feeding her a platonic friendship as a carrot to something greater that might never happen is really unfair to both of you...
…and it isn’t very nice.
A relationship masked as strictly platonic to create something romantic exists as a shallow lie. As difficult as it may be, you have to tell her how you feel and then let her decide how she wants to move forward with that information. Don’t lead a friendship on with an ulterior motive, because that really isn’t being an authentic friend.
There are way too many single individuals out there who would love to connect with you if you didn’t wrap yourself up so tightly around one person.
That doesn’t mean that you can’t find your friends attractive. It doesn’t even mean you can’t choose to be friends with a person you’re crushing on. And it doesn’t even mean she won’t eventually be one of the girls that eventually falls in love with you. It just means, if the entire basis you want to be around her is for a romantic relationship to grow, then that has to be brought to attention sooner rather than later so you can stop living a lie.
If a girl isn’t attracted to you, then she isn’t attracted to you.Full. Stop.
So What Do You Do?
If opening a door for her, suffocating her with kindness and gifts isn’t going to make her all tingly inside, then what will?
Confidence, assertiveness, ambition, and a natural physical attraction to you is going to bring about those tingly sensations. Not some suck up nice attitude merely to yield to every girl ever with desperation. The great news is, being a gentleman doesn’t require sacrificing any of those things.
You can be kind and confident.
You can be nice and assertive.
You can be ambitious without being a complete asshole.
Listen, kindness is sexy, but it is only sexy to the girls who find you sexy and it is only sexy when it is genuine. Being a “Niceguy” who is nice only to manipulate and cover over other flaws isn’t sexy at all. Being the guy that lets girls treat you as a doormat isn’t sexy either, even if you think they want you to worship them.
All you can do is just be a kind and genuine guy, set your boundaries, better yourself and wait for the woman who wants you just as much as you want her.
Sharing is caring, so slap those social share buttons! Then give this article a comment and always remember bro, scrub your balls.