What’s The Gluck Gluck 9000 & How Do I Get My Girlfriend To Give Me One?

What the fuck is the Gluck Gluck 9000? I’m out of the loop. Help!

– Missing Out from Michigan
“A vacuum sealed, double hand twist gluck-gluck combo.”

If your girlfriend isn’t giving you the Gluck, Gluck 9000 you should probably just get a new girlfriend…or listen to the “Call Her Daddy” podcast with her and hope she takes note.

What some girls fail to grasp is that giving a quality blow job is not just a simple little action of bobbing their head up and down while being mindful of their chompers. This girl I dated for a while kept humble-bragging about how amazing she was with her mouth. Let’s just say someone had really boosted her self-esteem in a way that wasn’t in touch with reality. I kept waiting for the teasing to stop, but she kissed the tip and said “how was that?” with a smile.

As appreciative as I was, it was a little difficult to not be slightly disappointed after she gloated so highly on her head game being “next level”.

Next level, quality head is an entire pornstar mindset girls need to be in. But unless you’re communicating with her through your own actions and through…wait for it…having a verbal discussion, she isn’t going to magically read your mind.

And if you keep telling every girl you’re with “oh babe, that was the best blow job ever”, even though her teeth have gnawed scratch marks into your shaft than they’re going to believe their teeth filled hummer is the stuff of wet dreams.

First, what is the Gluck Gluck 9000?

The Gluck Gluck 9000 (slang made famous by “Call Her Daddy” podcast) is the world’s most amazing blowjob because it is as much of a performance of her joy in pleasuring you as it is a skill in creating sensations that feel absolutely, ball emptying amazing.

It’s your girl’s mouth vacuum sealed over your penis, her hands double-twisting up and down your shaft, occasionally fondling the balls, drool everywhere, and an absolutely crazy, “I’m going to suck the living shit out of this dick” performance that ends in her begging for you to finish wherever your heart so desires. Or something like that…

When she hits ya with the Gluck Gluck.

You’re not going to just get head on the bed. Oh, no. This is about her pushing you up against a wall, dropping your drawers and salivating all over that shaft. Not that blow jobs while laying on a mattress are boring, but we’re seeking for next-level experiences here.

In short, it is your girlfriend giving you fellatio worthy of Pornhub Premium.

So how do you get that?

First things first, make sure you’re keeping yourself well-groomed. Would you want to go down on a girl that smells like cottage cheese butt? I didn’t think so!

Step One: Trim Those Pubes!!!

Trim up your ball sack and make sure you give a good scrubbing. We’re a huge fan of Manscaped and Ballwash products around here for keeping our nether regions smelling fresh and approachable.

No one wants to spit out pubes while trying to double hand twist whatever bit of shaft shows above them. The less time she spends plucking hairs from her tongue the better.

Step Two: Make Those Balls Smell Gluckable

Once you’ve got your penis looking approachable and smelling ready to gluck on, you’re ready for the most important part: communication! Not only are you going to discuss your desires openly, as noted above, but also non-verbally by showing her through your own actions when you give her the “Cooch Gobbler“.

So, when she asks you what you like, you tell her. Tell her respectfully, but tell her honestly. You don’t have to tell the girl she gives the worst head you’ve experienced since “brace face” Cindy sophomore year, but it is entirely normal to say “hey, maybe you could try this sometime”.

Even better, communicate during sex.

If she isn’t asking what you like, you open the dialogue by asking her. And then when she tells you, you meet her sexual desires as a way of encouraging her to meet yours.

Don’t expect your girlfriend to just know what feels the best to you if you don’t tell her and don’t expect her to want to go above and beyond for you if you just put in the minimal effort for her.

Get Your Shit Together Outside the Bedroom

The act of sucking your balls dry, makeup and slobber all over her face, occasionally sounding like you’re gagging her (hence the meaning of “gluck, gluck”), and you finishing your load all over her cheeks can be degrading to her, so the understanding you love and respect her is an important prerequisite. If she feels like this is just yet another way to humiliate her and treat her like shit rather than just something that feels toe-curling amazing for you, you’re approaching it from the wrong direction. You treat her well outside the bedroom and she will treat you well inside it, but you have to communicate.

Don’t forget to read up on the Cooch Gobbler.

Good luck and have fun!

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Hi, I spewed out all the shit you just read! I like long walks on the beach (but I'm mostly surrounded by cornfields), challenging the status quo of the dating scene, fucking all the rules of dating and encouraging men to live their best life. When I'm not trying to keep the lights on around here and raise two little girls, you can find me drinking and partying - you know the key Wallstreet success...ballin'.

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