I’ve been married for 7 years and am currently separated. When do you think I should start dating?– Joe
The short answer is that only you can answer that question. I mean, I’ve been there and we have needs that Pornhub just can’t meet and if nothing else, you’re anxious to get your dick wet.
Note: Keep in mind some states have at-fault divorces and you should consult with your lawyer as dating prior to the divorce being finalized could cause serious consequences.
Being separated (as well as a period following the official divorce) is a complicated time and dating too soon could be a disaster for your healing process (and just end up causing other women heartbreak). Yet, dating is also an important part of the healing process that gets you out of the house, can help build your confidence, and realize there are other women out there to fall in love with.
Listen, people out there are going to say “well you need to wait this long before you start dating” or “you need to make sure you have accomplished that goal before you put yourself out there” and of course you have those that believe “for every year you’ve been married, you should stay single for some multiple of that number”.
They say that, because you need to make sure you’re dating from a position of want and not from need, otherwise you’ll cling to the first thing with a vagina.
That said, there’s no magic number to being ready and there’s no formula that defines when the next person that’s apt to come into your life should be. I’m not saying you should just download Tinder the moment you sign the papers, but if you just seclude yourself for some undetermined amount of time you’re likely to fall into a vicious cycle of lonely depression.
I definitely think you should spend ample time just doing the five knuckle shuffle while you figure yourself out. That could take a year, it could take 5 years. You have to make sure you’re not dating merely because you need a fast replacement. But you also can’t sit there perpetually saying I’m not ready, because otherwise you’ll just sit in a state of forever not ready.
Because you need to heal, you avoid dating.
Because you avoid dating, you feel void of intimate connections.
Because you lack intimacy, you become increasingly depressed
Because you feel depressed, you don’t think you’ve healed yet.
Put yourself out there and be honest.
I’m not saying go in search of your next wife material and I’m not saying forget about self-improvement. I just think part of the healing process is getting your mind on other things and other people, just be upfront and honest with where you’re at with the people you date.
Part of coming to terms with the end of one relationship is through the reality that other potential (and maybe better) relationships can exist. You’ve spent the last several years experiencing one set of breasts and one personality in bed, and bud, I’m here to tell you that life is going to be great for you. I don’t think you need to be making your focus on finding someone new, but I think it is entirely reasonable to want something casual and fun. You just need to do so with clear communication – that means, of course, divulging that you’re still healing from a divorce.
We all have our needs, including (*gasp*) women. As far as I’m concerned you’re single now and don’t have a wife keeping you from flirting with other women – what will she do, threaten divorce? Go have fun, go date, meet people, and have crazy awesome sex. In the midst of that work on yourself and learn what your type is and recognize how you’ve changed – recognize how your wants in a relationship have changed.
Surrounding ourselves with people during a divorce is important, which is why I recommend having a best buddy, but there is something to be said about the first time you have some other girl’s ass wrapped around your dick. You’ll have a smile so wide on your face you won’t have time to think about all the shit your ex-wife pulled on you.
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