“You Complete Me” Is Bullshit

You complete me.

Jerry Maguire & Sid from Ice Age movies.

The sayings “you complete me” or “she’s my better half” is novel and sweet, but they’re also sort of toxic because we don’t need some woman to complete us and no woman needs some man to complete her. I think as soon as we start to act as though she is actually our better half (putting her up on a ridiculous pedestal) or that we have to have someone complete us (that we’re nothing without her), is also the point we start to define ourselves by our relationship and forget that we are individuals.

Again, I’m not suggesting everyone reads into those sayings at absolute face value, but I also think there are a lot of relationships in which these mindsets exist. I think in my own relationships, I have (in the past) felt so passionate about someone’s existence in my life I found myself often suffocating them with a love language of quality time or failing to invest in myself because I was using their involvement in my life as a prop to my self-esteem. The problem with this was that I would have difficulty functioning alone and that when that crutch of validation was pulled away, I was left feeling incomplete.

If you can’t function alone, you can’t function with someone.

Feeling incomplete as an individual isn’t a good place to be whether you’re in a relationship or not. We can’t successfully build someone else up and motivate someone as their partner in crime if we’re under the impression that we need someone else to make us whole. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to come prepared to build another person up and support them through a partnership if I am so dependent upon their existence in my life that I end up leaching the very life from them in an effort to sustain myself? I can’t!

The quotes are cute; your girlfriend is going to love the idea you are so fond of her that she makes you a better person (there’s nothing wrong with that), but if you’re not complete as an individual, you’re putting a lot of pressure on another person to maintain your happiness. Your girlfriend is NOT responsible for you being happy and confident with who you are. So those sayings might be cute, but if you legitimately have to have another person to “complete you” then you’re really not ready to be available to someone.

That might not be ideal to hear, but it is the fucking, raw truth. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there who go through life with a dependency on other individuals to sustain their confidence.

“I don’t like when you go out without me.”

“Do you think he is better looking than I am?”

“You would never cheat on me would you?”

“Tell me why you love me.”

“Do you still love me?”

“I’m not sure I like you talking to your kid’s dad.”

“Am I handsome?”

“I’m nothing without her! She’s all I have in life”

“I’ll never find another a girl like her.”

“If I lose this job, I’ll never find another one.”

They’re co-dependent and insecure, relying entirely on partners to give them an identity and struggle emotionally with grasping being alone for any period of time. I think we all know couples that have identities as a couple, probably those who have been together for years, and there’s nothing wrong with having people viewing you as a unit (that’s sort of the defining purpose of marriage), but if you’re requiring your relationship to define entirely who you are as a person than your confidence in yourself is lacking.

Needing someone to “complete you” is requiring validation and neediness for someone else to make you whole and part of loving someone else as best as possible is, first of all, loving yourself and being available to them. You don’t really love yourself if you don’t feel complete without having another person in your life.

Relationships need to be a balance of partnership without requiring us to sacrifice our individuality.

It is okay if our partners have different hobbies, it is okay if they have other friends, it is okay if they need some time to themselves or time out with their girlfriends. Involving your partner in other aspects of your life is important, but just as parents need an occasional break from their children, you can’t smother people you love with your existence 24/7.

I know this because I struggled with this.

Do not require your relationship to define who you are. Relationships are about partnership without sacrificing individuality, but if you’re not even in a position to find security in who you are as an individual, then you’re really not in a position to improve the quality of life for another person. You’ll just be putting an expectation on them to make you happy, so focus on yourself first.