You’ve probably heard that one of the keys to a successful relationship is to never stop dating your partner. It’s wise advice. Certainly, the expectation of wowing her at every chance will eventually yield to more quiet moments on the couch eating potato chips at some point, but failing to apply the same efforts you gave when you first met is a sure fire way to lose the spark. There’s a sort of anticipation of unconditional love to be found as a relationship enters a phase of comfort and she walks into the living room for the first time without makeup on, but it is also within this phase that a relationship can begin to crack slowly and methodically.
Ideally, we present ourselves from the very beginning with honesty and the phase of comfort is merely a point where we begin to share our most intimate habits and flaws. We begin to decide if we want the other person and if they’ll continue to want us for who are in our most absolutely raw forms.
And then we let down our guards.
And we just blindly believe they’ll love us not just for who are today, but for who we are tomorrow and the day beyond and every day beyond that. The problem is, that’s exactly what we want our partners to believe, because in that comfort is stability and in that stability is longevity.
Except, what if it’s not?
See, our comfort in a relationship works against us. Becoming too comfortable is what leads us to quit working to attract our girlfriends and in a way that’s what they want, but it’s inherently self-destructive. I believe our girlfriends sub-consciously want us to become less attractive because in doing so we decrease the competition and we increase our girlfriend’s comfort that she’ll have us all to herself. I don’t even necessarily think women realize they do this and yet on an anecdotal level I’ve watched this happen to friends of mine over and over again. Its sort of why worshiping your girl will ultimately lead to the destruction of the relationship.
I’ve watched couples share memes about how gaining weight in their relationship is a testament to how healthy their relationship is. Next thing you know, she’s working out again as a result of yet to be made public unhappiness. Meanwhile, as she’s losing weight, he’s obliviously stuck in the comfort zone as he continues to feel secure in her acceptance of him just as he is, only to be blind-sided when he discovers she’s been fucking multiple guys at the gym with the body he used to have.
Never stop trying to attract other women.
No matter how in love with your girlfriend or wife you may be and no matter how committed you intend to remain, never stop trying to be your best version of yourself as a prospective person to date. I think when we think about the concept of never stopping dating our partners we consider that only in terms of the things we do – the activities, the gifts, the romance, and the surprises. We forget that sexual attraction was largely the most intensive aspect that brings two people together and that it largely played the biggest role in “dating”.
We don’t just plan neat dates or arrive with flowers, we put on our best cologne, wear a nice outfit, trim our beard, and make sure that we hit the gym up routinely. Actively dating is about actively working to attract another woman/women and it doesn’t just stop at planning activities.
Sure, toxic jealousy isn’t great for relationships, but the idea that other women find you attractive introduces just enough jealousy for your girlfriend to be persistent in being her best self while remaining attractive to you.
Be Your Own Person, That’s What Attracted Her In The First Place
I remember a while back a buddy of mine got a haircut. He wasn’t a huge fan of it, but I remember him saying “well, she thought it would look good like this…happy wife, happy life”. It just didn’t look good though. A platonic female friend of ours razed him about it. She called it the “skater swoosh”. He laughed it off, but you could tell he was visibly irritated – especially given this girl was someone he had always wanted to date if given the chance.
As the relationship progressed, he had lost quite a bit of autonomy.
It’s hard to put exactly into words how she changed him, but between the comfort of the relationship and his desire to pacify her requests, he just wasn’t the person I knew him to be any longer.
And then she broke up with him.
Weeks later she was dating someone. Interestingly, this new boyfriend of hers was strikingly similar to all the things my buddy used to be. Subsequently, it was as though she had stripped my friend of those things he originally was in an effort to keep him all to herself only to realize she was no longer attracted to what she had created.
Again, I doubt there were specific motivations behind these actions, but in his security with her taking him off the dating market he had slowly altered his presentation into something that wouldn’t be as desirable on the market. His false sense of security led him to find confidence in letting himself go because he had “found his person”.
Never give up your autonomy to your girlfriend. You are your own person. That’s what attracted her to you in the first place and as much as she feels it within herself to take care of you and make decisions for you.
Present yourself as though you want to attract other women just as you did when you were out dating and you’ll continue to present yourself as the very best version of yourself you can be. That’s the version you want to offer your girlfriend because that’s the version that keeps her attracted to you and keeps her competing for your attraction to her as well.
Listen, our bodies are going to age over time. We aren’t going to be perfect. Woman are going to have children and gain weight and stretch marks. This isn’t a narrative meant to justify leaving your girlfriend because she gained a few pounds under the presumption that she’s going to do so to you. But loss of attraction is a very real struggle in a relationship and if we can find it upon ourselves to never lose our ambition to be attractive to our partners, we’ll always be working to continue dating them.
Never stop dating your girlfriend. Never stop trying to be attractive for her, just be sure to not lose your autonomy in doing so, because your efforts to appease her will make you unattractive to her.
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